You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.