I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
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Just me?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Coffee for people with no kids
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
why am I working on Labor Day
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.