Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
rapatouille
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.