Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life