Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
🙂🙃🥹
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.