Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
barbara was highly relatable
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.