Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?