yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
PARKOUR
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.