That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I support this random dude and all his protests
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.