[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Time for evil
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works