Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I鈥檇 say it鈥檚 a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Paper plates don鈥檛 have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
You come to my house鈥n the day my daughter is to be married鈥nd you ask me to do murder for money
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I鈥檝e forgotten my groceries
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team鈥檚 logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i鈥檇 be upset
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Honestly I don鈥檛 think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.