[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
You Might Also Like
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
That lamp looks PISSED.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what