As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I’ve been drinking.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My new favorite headline
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”