Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
bugs when you lift up a rock
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
When I laugh on my period
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry