There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
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asking santa clause for nudes
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit