dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Monday
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.