Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how