The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up