“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.