GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
How your email finds me
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Best seat on the street 😍