SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this