ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
No. YOU-buprofen.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!