Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
buys donuts instead
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*