due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
back to work
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Love this one 😂🧟
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?