Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.