San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!