My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Google assistant rules
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.