My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
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pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
New menu item
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
smh
figuring out my emotional availability:
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.