Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”