i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.