You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Bill is short for Billiam
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
“no gods no masters” = leo
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts