I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
one last job
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe