Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!