DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Saturday
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?