“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there