[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
How to woo a woman
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.