Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]