My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
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In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.