[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
there has never been a better use of this meme
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.