if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
i think we should see other cousins
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.