i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.