[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically