Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?