Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
#parenting
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards