*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Beauty and the Beast
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?