Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
You Might Also Like
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
catch me on valentine’s day like
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.