I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.