I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.