My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Only short people can save us
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”