When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.